This is not here.... and this is not a rant...

And just for the record.. I hate rants.. (even though I rant all the time)...

I think them ridiculous and childish and annoying but I have a lot to rant about and keeping it bottled up inside of me is giving me a stomach ache, so I need to spew before it turns to cancer and fucking kills me, although at the moment that is a tempting prospect...... well not really..

because it is cancer I hate..

and not that anyone in this world loves cancer.. but I hate everything to do with cancer and cancer wards.... I hate the smell of the cancer ward and those ridiculous gowns you have to put on and pull off every time you leave the room and come back in.. which is constantly.. I hate the way the treatment kills your dignity and hopefully the shit that is killing you along with every other fucking living thing in your body.. Lest not forget the way it robs you of your precious hair.

It had to take his hair... What? Was it too beautiful for this world?? The universe was jealous that his hair was thick and luscious and beautiful.. it had to take it little by little.. Falling all over his pillow and onto the floor. How dare they let it touch the floor! Imbeciles. They couldn't take it all, though.. nope... he died with more hair on his head than many a living man is sporting now.... so fuck off, chemotherapy.

And the promises... of how this will work and how this will help. Lies.. I know they don't want you to lose hope, but do not tell a dying man he is not dying. Let him decide how he wants to leave this earth and what he wants to say on his way out. Don't make him think he is crazy for asking the question. Be a man, doctor, look him in they eye and tell him that YES he is dying.. And YES that is why his family is around him, and YES the priest has been called, and YES she is flying in from California, and YES I fucked up when I urged you to try this treatment and I'm sorry, I tried.

You can't get a straight answer in a hospital... not to your face. They tell you one thing and discuss the truth around the coffee pot.

So I am pissed.