Today is ok

There really is no linear path with grieving. This is something I know academically, and have told people with whom I am working, but now I really understand it from the inside. My father isn't the first person I have lost in my life, and not even the closest emotionally, but it is a much different kind of loss with him.

I feel so altered. He was such a strong and active part of who I am internally and in my world and now that he is gone there is a gaping hole beckoning to be filled or something. I looked to him for clues about myself. He was my connection to my past present and future for my sons as well.

"I was a skinny kid like your little guy and could eat and eat all day long." He would say.

Really? So that is where he gets that from! Or when he told me he stuttered until he was 13 like Jay does which offered so much insight and comfort about the situation.

It's these strands of personal history and connections between us that have been severed that hurts as well. Now we will have to keep the stories we have alive and look for clues in those among ourselves. And that too is an interesting thing. We have been sharing stories, and so much truth has been pouring out for all. Its almost a purging of any doubt or the answering of questions whose time has come.

It's emotionally draining trying to make sense of things, and reconfigure. But we are doing it, one day at a time and together.

Today is okay....

:)