Soul Shattered...

That is what it feels like when your 9 year old son talks to you like you are a hated piece of trash on the street. It is what it feels like when your 4 year old son mimics his older brother and talks to you like you are a hated piece of trash on the street.

I try to start each day anew. Erasing the pain of the day before, greeting him with love and kindness. I hug him, and kiss him, and let him know that he is the most important person in the world to me, because he truly is. Yet, I find myself, again, sitting here with a heavy heart feeling the rasp in my throat.

I understand the psycho-dynamics of how this occurs and why. This is my thing after all. Yet all the knowledge and expertise I have about this means nothing. I get so quickly pushed into a corner where my thinking clouds and my heart pounds through my chest, and I hear my voice rising and rising as this is the only thing to which he responds. It's what he seeks to achieve.

"Ha! Now you know how I feel... out of control and crazed!!!!"

Yes, my son. I do know how you feel, and I will try to help you again tomorrow, as soon as I gather up the pieces of my shattered soul.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know it isn't Valentine's Day.. no need to check your calendars or question my sanity... well you may want to do the latter.

This is what my dad called to tell me yesterday. He always needs some reason to call, and when there isn't one, he calls to yell at me because I haven't called him. It's not that I haven't called, although I am not one to call anyone, it's just that I speak to his wife, my step-mother, frequently and she doesn't tell him about every conversation we have. So if I don't speak directly to him, he thinks I haven't been around.

Anyway, he called and the first thing out of his mouth was "Happy Valentine's Day!" I knew exactly what he meant. He wanted to reach out with a loving message, and he knew it was a holiday, so he had a ready-made excuse to call (even though he doesn't need one) and we hadn't spoken since I found out about his being sick so I think he also may have been nervous about how I would react to him. So all these thoughts jumbled in his mind and when he heard my voice... out popped "Happy Valentine's Day." It was the absolute perfect thing to say...

stuff (sorry.. that was the best I could do)

I come here with so much to say.. and I stare at the cursor..blink blink blink... I don't know why....

When have you not known me to be in one "state" or another?

Seriously.

I'm one mooooody bitch. No doubt.

We are going to California even though my sister's wedding is still "postponed." I thought for sure it would have been back on by now, this whole thing just to heighten the drama of the event, but I am wrong. They are still 'together' but it is only a matter of time. Sad. He was a great guy with a great family. She's going to regret this one. There is no talking to her about it either. It's done.

I also found out that my dad is sick...really sick. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole thing. Apparently he's been really sick for a while and kept it from his kids. Kept it from me. And now he needs a bone marrow transplant. So the family went from planning a festive wedding in California to planning my father's post-transplant care. What a shift in gears!

It's been a rough week. But I have known worse.

Such is life...

I am just annoyed... I hate feeling like this... I am usually an upbeat humorous person who will joke you out of any dark mood you may be in. I can smell your anguish and weed it out.

Perhaps that is why I haven't been here to true blue in a while, but have been dwelling in the darker places I have carved out in cyberspace. Although darkness is no stranger to this purple square. I have a lot of darkness. It leaks.

So why am I annoyed?

I already told you about work... We had a meeting on Friday and all of my colleagues made it very clear to this woman that they support me. No one would sit by her and they gushed over anything I said. I appreciated the gesture, but we are not children, and I don't harbor ill feelings for this person. Now I feel like sides have been chosen. Great. It's not that I don't appreciate the support, I truly do, but I would prefer we all deal with the issues and move on. Now there is just tension and silence. Thank God the summer is almost here and we will all go our separate ways for a few weeks.

Jay. Completely healthy. Thank God. He is 9. And driving me up the fucking wall. He is doing amazingly well in school. Accruing all sorts of accolades for good work and good behavior, yet when he crosses the threshold of our home, he turns into an seething angry cursing kid. Shit.. Son-of-a.. Now once or twice, I do not mind. I have been known to curse now and again, but he cannot do anything once or twice. He escalates until you are yelling. And I warn... then warn again... then positively reinforce.. then warn again... then I threaten.... then act... Yes, I realize these are many extraneous steps, but he has difficulty with his impulse control (he has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and to punish him right away is not effective. He cannot control that initial impulse, so I give his brain some time to adjust to what is expected, as well strategies to do so.

Oh, and there is the business of my sister's San Fransisco wedding. The one we have been planning around for a year. The one for which we just booked an entire family vacation around and bought plane tickets for. The event that consumes every family interaction.... The event that is finally a month away.. The event she completely cancelled last week.

Yes. She has called off the wedding. I just sent them their shower gift, and we just had a huge luncheon for them last week. It's a good thing she realized before it was too late that she wasn't ready to get married. This I understand. But I know my sister... She knew a while ago, and should have said something then. She is young... Oh, well....

Such is life.

mutters day

Happy (belated) Mother's Day to all you beautiful moms that so graciously stop by... I hope you were properly adored by your loved ones yesterday!

I haven't spoken to my mom since last July, so yesterday came and went without so much as a mutter to or from my mother.... oh well... I got to spend time with the other amazing mothers in my life, and for that I am grateful.

I am still quite buried at work... and because life was not stressful enough, I have a co-worker who has decided to engage me in battle.. I am still waiting for an apology, and quite frankly, I am sick of letting people off the hook too easily, so I'm standing my ground.

Basically, she refused to sign a document, that reflected mostly her work, to place a very emotionally unstable child in a therapeutic program. It's not that she objected to the placement, she was just 'insulted' because she though I didn't invite her to the meeting. What she didn't know (or care to stop tantrumming enough to find out) was that I had to do things very quickly to secure the spot for the student and to get the whole situation approved for funding. So the "meeting" took all of three seconds as it was done by telephone. I tried to talk to her about it, but she stormed off. So I got someone else to sign the document.. fuck her. Then when my director found out, she freaked out... and made her sign it. The kicker was when she came looking for the document, she got all huffy again because I sent it to another professional.

Whatever!!!!

I am so ready to move into my hut on the beach (with the stripper pole, of course) and preach Zen philosophy to the flocks while jazzercising.

random...

heard at the salon....

newgirl: So do you want me to um like answer the phones?
Hairdresser: Well yea, that would be great.. you know.. when they ring...

(too much hairspray exposure)

It feels like years...

since it's been here....

Here comes the sun... Here comes the sun... and I say...Its alright..

Hello little darlings....

Spring is here. It feels good, even though I am under a mountain of paperwork. I don't care. I love having my windows open and the music blasting... Yea, that's me... The chick sticking her head out of her minivan trying to recreate that wind-blowing-in-her-hair thing she remembers from riding in the Stang convertible....

I got your BIG BALLS right here!!!!

I just checked my stats for this site... and I was so impressed at how many hits I have been getting!! ... Wow... I really must really be clever, and people are noticing!! Maybe there is a niche for stripper-guru-Zen-philosophers!!

Then I looked a little closer.. and I realized it was one particular picture that has been getting all the hits.... and when I did a keyword analysis the words BIG BALLS seem to be the (ahem) most popular.... so... I figured the picture should be make an encore appearance.

So without further adieu....

BIG BALLS

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