Wondering

I wonder if you will remember this day.

I wonder how this day will register in your memory banks of childhood. Will you remember what we laughed about or will it just be added to a conglomerate of "happy times?" Will this be something talked about at the dinner table with friends years from now when reminiscing?

How will you describe your childhood to your children? What will you tell them about you mother, their grandmother? How will you describe your dad? I wonder what glorious memories will rise to the top and what horrible things will stick. Will you wait years and years to tell me something that is happening now?

How will the brother's memories compare? Will one remember joy where the other found pain?

So much more to come....

too much time on my hands...

Today is the first day I am actually in clothes that can be worn out of doors. I feel normal.... as normal as I can feel at the moment, which means I am closer to the usual crazy you are somewhat familiar with. You know, life is so hectic, I long for leisurely days on the couch with my beloved laptop, free to do all that I do, and here I am, and....

The problem with these long hours on the couch is that my mind goes to all those place it really needn't go. I am trying to stay busy and distracted. I hate watching tv it stresses me out so much. I have been watching movies. Poor Mr. Elle. I gobble them up, then its back to blockbuster for another batch. I am waiting for the new Harry Potter. Yes, I know I am the last person on this planet at this point to read it. It was poor planning on my part. I should have had it waiting for me when I woke from surgery.

I can finally touch myself. No... not that way, but I ran my hands over the new skin that is my abdomen and over the stitches holding me together. I am numb here and there, so overall, the sensations are bizarre. The first time I saw myself I almost fainted. Truly. I am a bit squeamish, and I looked a bit scary.

But now I'm okay.

still on the couch...yep.... right here....

I'm bit sore today... ouch....

and bored... sorry....

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English 40% Yankee 10% Dixie 0% Midwestern 0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

You Are 60% Psychic

You are pretty psychic. While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on. And although you're sometimes off on your predictions... You're more often right than wrong So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

Are You Psychic?

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

a pound of flesh...

Well actually about 7. That is what the surgeon took from my middle... 7 pounds of skin... ew...

I got to see the new bod today. Maybe if I can not be so squeamish about the stitches, I'll take a picture for you.... maybe not... The doctor said I'm way ahead schedule and removed two of the drains. It hasn't even been a week yet! The remaining two drains will come out next week. Yea!

It looks amazing... I say "it" because it just doesn't feel like me yet... I am also still quite numb, so It really doesn't feel like me. But it is... that flat tummy is on my body... Oh, and my butt.. woohoo... looking hot!!!!

Isn't science grand?

it's not nice to make a girl with a busted gut

bust a gut....

~~~~~~~

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on your mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror .
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and
place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.!
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place car back in slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on your mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

heh heh...ouch ouch...heh heh

i looked forward to the time on the couch...

I had so much going on in my life, that I thought... I'll finally rest and write after the surgery... and I'm lucky. I'm not in pain much at all so I can. There is a little bit of an itch setting in, but everything is quite manageable. I have been taking the codeine... but between you and me.. it is strictly for recreational purposes and to cope with the boys orbiting around me. They are being really quite good, it's just when the bickering starts...UGH!!!! Where are mommy's happy pills? So after all is said and done, I will need a stint in rehab, but I will be slimmer and sexier... so what the hell.

I'm just going a little batty. I sent the boys to blockbuster to get some movies to keep me busy. I also ordered the latest Harry Potter. Why I hadn't done that already, I will never know. Poor planning I suppose. I hate waiting for time to pass, but that is what I am doing. That is what one does when healing.

I didn't write about this surgery, because quite honestly I tried not to think about it too much. I just wanted it done and perseverating on it would just increase my anxiety and doubt. I have much guilt about the cost and the vanity of doing such a thing, but I just needed to do this. I have had such a screwy body image my whole life that I just wanted that chapter closed. I have lost all the weight that I had gained from childbearing and depression, I have worked out consistently for over a year, and this is the final step. Correcting the damage done. Fixing the scars.

I am quite excited to see what I look like, because I haven't been able to. I will post pics. I didn't take before photos, so you will have to use you imaginations. Plastic surgery isn't for everyone and it is something that needs to be thoroughly researched and planned. Then completely forgotten about until you are convalescing on your couch bored out of your mind.

Have any interesting new sites for me to explore? Porn welcome....;)

hello...i'm here....somewhere..

Hello.. I write to you sitting on my couch waiting for the codeine to kick in. I just drained the four drains coming out of my pubic region.....ew..... I did it... I had a full body lift this past Wednesday. I am sutured all around my middle which is concave and very tight. They lifted everything... oh my... So far the worst of it are these drains.... ew....

My dad is out of the ICU... which is great news. I was apprehensive about going through with this operation because of him, but everyone insisted...so I did it. I'm still a bit out of it... It is only Friday... so this is going to be a short post...

I miss you all.......

my love...

He is pure love, my little guy...



and he is 5 today..

Samson's daughter.

It has been crazy... what else is new?

My dad had a major complication with his treatment and is in the ICU which occurred while we were flying home from California. He has since improved, and they are hopeful, which is major since on Thursday they used the term "grim." Ugh.

Of course I rushed to the hospital...

The hardest thing to see wasn't his lifeless body manipulated by the unnatural ventilator, or that grimace formed by the tape holding in his tube (so reminiscent of Jay) or the no less than 12 medical pumps attached to his body filling him with god knows what. It was the hair he had lost from the radiation and the chemo prior, and how it kept coming out in clumps all over his pillow.

He has always had such amazingly thick chestnut hair. My son has his hair, and it's rich and lush and straight and abundant. Its the kind of hair that your fingers crave to run through. So to see it strewn about his pillow beneath him was..horrible. It was as if his strength was falling away from him bit by bit, strand by strand, lying haphazardly around him.

I did run my fingers through his now silver hair, and most of it stayed with my fingers, abandoning his scalp. I so wanted to gather up all the rogue strands and hold them, but I thought I would upset everyone by doing so, and I wasn't quite sure what I would do once I did. So I just stared at the pattern they made on his pillow. Trying to make sense of something, perhaps, that seems so senseless.

And so much came flooding back about Jay's hospital ordeal. Staring at the numbers on the monitors, asking the nurses mundane questions as if they are withholding secret information that can only be accessed by asking the perfect question. Feeble attempts to gain control over chaos. Pure chaos.

I held his hands as well and they were so soft.

home again home again...

jiggety jig....

have lots of beautiful pictures to post... love California.... missed all of you...