Lights, Camera, ACTION!

I don't get too involved in all the bullshit anymore.

I've learned to sit back a bit in my life and just watch the drama unfold before me. That doesn't mean that I don't get involved, I most certainly do. But I don't get mired in the muck. People can be so intense sometimes. Relax, folks, it's just life. Something I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs sometimes.

I wasn't always like this. I used to get way too caught up in all the crap that people threw about, and it most certainly took its toll on me emotionally and physically. I used to take everything so personally and right to the core of my being. Why? There was really no good reason. People create drama to alleviate their own distress. They want to share the lurve and pull you into their toxicity. Misery loves company, you know.

I jotted a quick email to a co worker today. "I never got the file." Within seconds, phones were ringing, memo's written, email sent, more phone calls. It wasn't a big deal, but these folks decided to take this small speck of dust and turn into a raging sand storm. High drama fueled by hidden agendas.

People are usually not really freaking out about what they are freaking out about. (Follow that?) When people want to solve a problem, they typically go about it in a calm, systematic way. If they are freaking out, you can be sure that there is something else driving their freak.

People who try to overwhelm you are usually overwhelmed. People who try to make you feel inadequate, feel inadequate themselves. If someone is trying to control you, it is their own life they are trying to control. See a pattern here? Remember this the next time you are lacing into someone. (Never let them see your freak!)

I used to work with this guy who helped put things into perspective. When things got really intense, he would announce, "It's all just a movie." Which was his twist on "all the world's a stage."

And it is.

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

so i ask you...

Where is it??

I have been writing a little of this and a little of that. I know I haven't been the loyal blogger I used to be, I've been tripping on the dark side a bit. And I believe I needed to be. I'm on some pathway here. It's in here. *pounds on chest* The book, I mean. The book I've been writing my whole life, but am to afraid to commit to paper, or screen. I have a story to tell, I'm just not sure how to go about it.

I'm really asking those of you who have been loyal readers, because this would make perfect sense to them. If you are a new reader, you will think this the ranting of a crazy woman, and maybe I am.

So I ask you..... Where is it??

Philosophizing from the couch....

Still have the flu. *cough, cough*

I'm always on the lookout for the latest diet.

I can't help it.

It's my obsession.

Recently I read Skinny Bitch. I thought it was about how to be a skinny bitch, but, basically the book is about why you should go vegan and it has a political agenda. It's not an easy read as it contains much graphic detail about what goes on in slaughter houses and how animals are horribly mistreated. The book does provide a lot of great information about nutrition, however.

The one thing I found interesting was about how our bodies respond to caffeine. Without going into the scientific reasons, which I cannot even recall at the moment, (and i just tried to google the information to give you some links and I couldn't find any, so you'll just have to trust me :))
the book says that caffeine upsets the PH balance in our bodies and makes us more acidic and our bodies respond to this by producing fat cells to protect our organs. The more acidic our internal environment the more fat cells our body will produce.

Wow...

I immediately thought about how this was so true in my life. How I responded to an "acidic" environment by protecting my "organs" with fat... and loads of it... I needed a cushion, a barrier, between myself and the acidic people in my life. I wasn't able to form an emotional one, so I compensated with a physical one.

It's that balance thing again. Funny how life always strives for that perfect balance. Even when things seem out of whack, they really aren't. The laws of physics won't allow such a thing.

The lesson here is to ask yourself "why." Why are you shoveling that food into you mouth? Why are you having that drink? Why are you smoking that cig? What balance are you trying to restore, and is there a healthier way for you to do so? I bet there is.

We are addicted to so many negative things, and we will remain addictive. It's the human condition. But I think its possible to replace those negative addictions with positive ones, it just takes some doing.

:)

flu...

I have the flu.... I take Airborne, and tons of vitamin C... I eat right, work out daily, drink tons of water, wash my hands several times a day, and I'm lying here with the freaking flu. Grrrrrrr...

So how are you??? Haven't heard from you in a while... Do we all just "read only" now? Such busy folks these days....

*cough*
*sneeze*
ugh

xo

faded feathers

I had been there a few times already this morning, a result of trying to make sure I drink the water my body "requires", but when I entered the bathroom this time, it was a completely different place altogether.

She was standing at the counter with her over-flowing cosmetic bags placed here and there like paints being readied for the pallet hoping to finally make the artist's canvas. I saw the eager green and blue eye shadow among the countless tubes of lipstick and other things. I was overwhelmed by the vast amount of cosmetics she was considering and thought of my own small bag hidden in my purse. The perfume baked into the powders to add a layer or two of glamor was as heavy as the patina she had already applied.

"Hi.. You're Carmen, aren't you?"

I knew her instantly. This was not a new scene to me, but an ancient one that I would have never thought of again had I not entered into it unsuspectedly. She furrowed her brow, taking a quick inventory of faces she knew to determine where I fit in. I couldn't bear to watch the struggle.

"I used to work here, about 12 years ago."

I was ashamed of myself for announcing the number of years I had been gone like some badge of how long I'd been away from that hellhole, knowing she had spent those 12 years right here in the bathroom doing exactly what she was doing right then.

"Oh.. Yes, I remember you! Did you lose weight or something? Are you married? Do you have children? How many?"

I was a little shocked that these questions came so readily and in a row, but I answered them graciously.

We continued to exchange pleasantries, bridging the gap between us with the names from the past and present that we had in common, and I mentioned my father. He was more of a fixture in that place than I was and I knew she knew of him.

"I'm so sorry he died. He was gorgeous, like a movie star. I wondered why I haven't seen him around. Does he have any brothers? Are they married?"

Another round of quirky questions, which I kindly answered... yes, he had brothers and yes they are married.

"Oh."

She said with a shrug and went back to her mirror to apply her face.

Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair

P.S. you suck like shit...

I am the target of his anger at the moment, and it doesn't matter that I have done everything right, or did nothing to provoke him, it doesn't matter. I am the target of his anger. All the things that have happened to him today that might have rubbed him the wrong way were collected like shells along the ocean's edge and hurled at me the minute he walked through the door. It doesn't matter that I greet him with a smile or a kiss, or I tell him how proud I am of him. How I am over the moon about his straight A's and his impeding karate promotion. It doesn't matter that I cooked him a hot meal or made sure his drawers were filled with clean clothes, or that his room was neat and clean and that all the things he loved were cared for. It doesn't matter. Today. I am the target of his anger. It doesn't matter that I have put my life and dreams and aspirations aside and dedicated my whole existence to making his existence at least bearable. It doesn't matter. It's my job, and I know this. I fully understood what I was getting into when I got pregnant. I knew that the days were not all going to be filled with kodak making memories, although i did not expect to spend so much time in the abyss, I welcomed whatever this universe threw at me. Or him. And today.. I am the target for his anger.. and apparently I also suck like shit....

But I have to tell you.. I was a little proud that he spelled all the words correctly....

under attack

I am going through something at work that has me a little crazed. Have you ever worked with someone with a serious personality disorder? If you are thinking about this then you haven't. Because believe me, if you have then there is no "thinking about it."

In the past I have written extensively about growing up with a person with a personality disorder, and to be honest, I never thought I'd have to actually work with one... I mean who does?

It is horrible.. This person has no sense of reality or such a skewed sense it's disturbing, and basically, I'm under attack... personally, professionally, spiritually... ugh...