Closer to Fine

Greetings From Asbury Park....

2008-07-06T21:37:00.002-05:00

Well not exactly Asbury Park, but somewhere on the Jersey shore.

We are on vacation. We stuffed ourselves today with pizza and fish sandwiches, rode the coasters and are now decompressing in the motel room, once again gorging this time on taffy and fudge.

Ugh. I need a carrot.

I have never blogged from anywhere other than my house, I wonder why I never thought to do so. I guess this is a first.

I really love family vacations now that the kids are older and can appreciate things more, although I must say, they are a bit spoiled. My little guy just asked if we could get room service now, he wants to make ice cream sundaes...

Um, no, hon.. this is a shore motel... but we can eat some more fudge and finish the cotton candy from before that you shoved into my bag.

I hope you are all having a great summer.

xo

P.S.

Watch the tram car.. watch the tram car please....

;)

summertime

2008-06-25T10:28:00.001-05:00

It's here. Summertime.

This time last year I was getting ready for our big vacation to California, and then I had the major surgery, and then I watched my father whither and die before my very eyes. It as a horrible summer... and sadly not the only horrible summer of my life... There was that summer when Jay got sick and almost died on us.

Life has been one wave of stress after the other lately, and I realize I am no different than anyone else, so what keeps me here? I'm like an imbecile that keeps sticking her finger in the light socket. Duh.

I don't know. Hope, I guess? The promise of better things to come? Tequila? Yes, maybe the tequila. I don't know. My kids certainly keep me here. Their hope. To them at this moment, all things are possible. I'm not ready to burst that bubble yet, or ever.

It's the summertime, and no matter how old I get I will always get that rush of hopeful anticipation as the season takes hold, and it always does...

xo

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

2008-06-24T20:04:00.002-05:00

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
~D. Bowie

I need to make some changes in my life. I always seem to find myself at this strange place and I just can't get seem to get a grip. I need a grip.

50 ways to say FUCK OFF!

2008-06-19T17:54:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow is the last day I have to ever work with that toxic evil woman!

So in celebration I'm collecting 50 ways to tell someone to FUCK OFF!

Someone who has been bullying me for two years.

Someone who has sent me countless condescending emails about how she thinks I'm useless as a professional and constantly accuses me of lying.

Someone who has verbally viciously attacked me in meetings (which ultimately got her fired).

Someone I've tried to help, and work with and who has in return tried to sabotage my programs and hurt my students.

Someone who has paranoid delusions and has written pages and pages of slanderous lies about me and my coworker in an attempt to wreak havoc in our lives.

I have learned it is better to take the high road, and protect yourself with grace and dignity. Smile and be as pleasant as possible, and people like her will always self-destruct... and she did.... and yes.. she is trying to take me (and some others) down with her, but luckily her crazy is showing in purple neon and we ain't going nowhere.

So... back to the fucking off... I only have 7 so far:

1. You know what you can get? You can get going..
2. I wish I could say it's been a slice of heaven, but it's been more like a steaming pile of hell.
3. Why don't you make like a tree and leave?
4. Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here!
5. Go shit in your hat (Anonymous)
6. Go pound sand up your ass (Anonymous) ---this one sounds quite uncomfortable!
7. - 50.
........................./´¯/)
......................,/¯..//
...................../..../ /
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´(..´......,~/'...')
.........\.................\/..../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
..............\.............\

P.S.

I didn't say or gesture any of these when the time came. I just gave her a little smile and walked out the door. I actually felt a little sad about the whole thing, and I felt very sorry for her.

I'm glad it's over for now, although I don't know what will become of her charges at this point.. *sigh*

My administrator has assured me that they were completely unfounded and not to worry about anything coming from them at work, however, I wonder how deep her psychosis runs. We shall see.

xo

miss you

2008-06-14T18:09:00.002-05:00

Dad...

Did ya ever....

2008-06-12T17:38:00.002-05:00

Spend two years working with a toxic, insane "teammate",

while trying to keep the peace in your department and hold a very large staff together by de-alienating all she continued to alienate and

while working with over 100 special education students (adolescents) and their parents and

while completing very large volumes of work

only to have them finally fire her after days and weeks and months of her vicious personal and professional attacks,

and then a week before school is out and you think you will be finally be free of her insanity,

get notified that she is filing a harassment suit against you, your co-workers, and director in an effort to save her job and destroy yours,

and told you should get an attorney because things can get really complicated????

Yea???

me too... ugh...

i have to go throw up....

dragonflies...

2008-06-10T15:09:00.003-05:00

A friend once told me a story about dragonflies.

He said they were mystical creatures that traveled freely between heaven and earth carrying messages upon their wings, and if you are lucky enough to have one land near you, to quiet your mind so you can hear what they need to tell you. How is this possible? I asked him. How can dragonflies bend space and time?

"Perhaps," he said,"their wings are framed by a Mobius Strip, and the reason they seem to dart from one place to another so quickly is their coming and going from one plane to another."

Mmmmm.... Perhaps, indeed.. I thought.

Well, I found out today, that my friend was wrong. Dragonfly wings may be framed by a Mobius Strip, and they may indeed carry messages, but I know how they travel... They hitchhike.

On my way to work this morning, one flew right through my window and into my car. I remembered the story, so I quieted my mind and listened.

Nothing.

I opened the other window thinking he would just fly right through, but he perched right on the dash and stayed. I was a little concerned that this rather large bug might fly in may face as I drove, but it didn't. It was quite well-behaved. When I arrived and opened the door, the dragonfly promptly flew out the door and away. Maybe it had an urgent message for someone who lived in the town I worked...

.

I hope they got it.....

Unrequited Poster Child.

2008-05-28T18:13:00.003-05:00

That is what someone called me once... I think in response to reading my more happier poetry. I thought it was funny at the time, to be considered the poster child for anything seemed somewhat comical to me because I always feel so scattered about everything in my life. But I guess that is how he saw me. The hopeless romantic, looking for love in all the wrong places. The restless spirit that will never rest... Unrequited. *sigh* (sighing.. such an unrequited response) *sigh*

I guess I just can't accept that maybe that za za zoom part of life is over. In fact, I know I can't... I just can't! I want the butterflies in my stomach, and that flash of heat burning through my body. Life just can't be a series of chores and tasks, now can it?

Another friend.. not the one who called me the unrequited poster child... sent me a quote today:

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernières

I think it's a lovely quote, truly I do. But will I have to wait until I actually take root in the ground to make sense of all this love crap???

Oh, how I yearn for some temporary madness....

*sigh*

(sorry, can't help it)

YOU are a bad blogger....

2008-05-16T04:48:00.002-05:00

That is exactly what he said to me.. First words I have ever received from him in as close to real time as we can get at the moment being on opposite coasts and in different time zones...

"You are a bad blogger..."

And he is right.... I am a terrible blogger since one of the basic premises of being a blogger is to actually blog daily or weekly or something. Maybe that's the problem. I'm unclear about the expectations and the rules for being a good blogger... and I so want to be a good blogger...

I know what the problem is.. what my problem is... Time.. and not time to actually write, because I constantly write, it's time to post to blogger. It's blocked at work, and even though I have a Google document for potential blog posts, there is something quite different for me simultaneously creating and posting. I like the danger of hitting the publish button without thinking about things too much, and pushing myself beyond the point of no return. I also tend to think things into oblivion when I write a draft. I write and rewrite and turn it over and over until I no longer find what I wrote funny or clever or worthy of your time and I end up deleting.

So I'm trying something new. Posting in the morning, before coffee...(well, it's perking and I'm going to get up this moment and get a cup, so hold on).. Offering you the lovely flotsam flowing out of my brain the first thing on a Friday morning. Be kind.

(Yikes, what if you still think I'm a bad blogger after I actually write?)

xo

P.S. I may be a bad blogger.. but I'm a fast typist and I can spell my chatty friend from California!! hee hee (luv ya!)

priceless

2008-05-10T21:41:00.005-05:00

Rangers Jersey I had to buy at the pro shop to keep you warm when I realized there would be actual ice skating at this birthday party at the ice rink despite the fact we had been there several times before only for laser tag (that will teach me to read the invite carefully)... $75.00

Matching blue gloves.... $5.00

Socks and purple gloves for mom who couldn't let you go out on the ice rink without her when she saw that glimpse of terror on your face when you realized ice was actually slippery despite your initial protesting that you could do this on your own with your friends even though this was your first time ice skating ever... $7.00

Seeing your face as you bravely chased the birthday girl (on whom you are madly crushing) around the rink gripping your cones.... priceless....

(sorry it's so blurry..it's hard to skate and snap pics)

To all the moms who carry credit cards just in case... and to all the momes who don't....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

xoxox

Shhh.....I'm playing hookey...

2008-05-06T12:50:00.002-05:00

Allergies are getting the best of me, so I'm taking the day off. I'm glad I did so I could sleep and relax! I must remember to check with my neighbors next time I decide to stay home and rest to make sure they are not cutting down trees right outside my window!!! Grrrrrr!!!! Are they kidding me???

Oh well. At least I'm home in my jammies chilling out. I just couldn't deal with work today. Tomorrow, I'll be refreshed and ready! Yea, right... I really shouldn't complain, I only have about 6 weeks left, then I'm off all summer... free to lounge at the lake everyday, and I've decided this summer will be the summer of the pomegranate margarita.

Speaking of work, they have granted me tenure (hooray!) and did not hire back a person who has made the last two years a living hell, which is very good news for many people. My fear is that this psychopathological person will pull some shit and file a law suit or something. I just feel like she has wasted so much of our time as it is with all her crap, and I fear she will not go quietly as its just not her style.

I am an aunt.. again... I have a new niece born yesterday morning... hooray! The tally thus far is 7 nieces and 5 nephews, and I have been asked to be Godmother to one of my nephews which I'm thrilled about. Now to find the coolest gift! I'm thinking of a little leather jacket with a nickname painted on the back... like.. Hawk... yea!

So what have you been up to?

Talk to me....

Um... Miley?

2008-04-28T18:00:00.002-05:00

Why are you so freaked out about this photograph,

taken by one of the most amazing photographers of our time when you gyrate and dance all over the stage like a professional stripper?

When I saw this performance on Idol gives back, I just kept stut-stut-stuttering..Holy Shit! How old is that girl? I was floored by her sexual seductive running of her hands through her hair over and over again. All she needed was a pole.

So I don't get it... How can she be embarrassed by the purity and innocence captured by Annie and not by her rock star dry-humping on the stage?

Cool....not cool....

2008-04-23T16:56:00.004-05:00

Cool....
Getting the kids a trampoline and setting it up in the back yard.
Not Cool...
Jumping on it like you are 12, forgetting you are a woman of 40 who has birthed 2 ginormous children... don't understand that one? Too bad. (think kegels...)

Cool...
Sitting on the deck for hours doing nothing but writing.
Not Cool...
Realizing no one else did anything either, and now it all has to be done.

Cool...
Taking your son to the liver doc for a healthy check up.
Not Cool...
Knowing the insurance won't cover the visit.
Cool...
I said HEALTHY!

Cool...
Having a place to write and friends to read.
Not Cool...
slacking off.

xo

Oh, my.. are you still here?

2008-04-18T21:44:00.009-05:00

Not a good blogger, I have been... (my Yoda impression.. impressed?)

Work.. blah blah.. life...blah blah.. busy.. blah blah... You know the drill.... You have the drill....

A while back.. I wrote "The Wheel is Broken," remember?? Of course you do.

It was about my niece Jay-Gee, who I had suspected for a long time, had autism. I had written it after spending a long hot day in the sunshine drinking, eating, swimming, and playing. We were sitting around the living room helping my 2 year old niece (Jay-Gee's little sister) open her birthday presents when reality came tumbling out. Too exhausted to keep up the facade of normalcy, we had no choice but to really see it. Jay-Gee's autism slapped us all in the face that night, hard.

Long story short...

Her parents finally have their diagnosis and have begun the process of accepting this new reality, or newly defined reality. I mean, she's still Jay-Gee, the most adorable little springy-haired girl who doles out kisses and loves to be with her cousins. Even though she has so much difficulty communicating with them and she veers off into her own world now and again, they don't care.. she's fun.. and they love her... more than love her.

I knew things were going to be okay when I got an email from Jay-Gee's mom inviting us to a walk for autism awareness this past weekend. It was her way of letting us know she had accepted things and was ready to get on with life. We didn't hesitate. We showed up in matching tee shirts and walked with love and pride in our hearts. (Who needs wheels when we have feet anyway?)

education with a side of rice...

2008-04-14T20:04:00.004-05:00

GO!!!! NOW!!!!!!!

free rice

Black Zucchinis...

2008-04-11T21:01:00.004-05:00

I am watching the Miss USA pageant with my sons.... Jay, who is 10 now, keeps calling all the girls "hot" and has no idea what he is talking about. He wants New Jersey to win. And the little guy wants to know why all the girls are wearing black zucchinis.

All I know is these girls need a sandwich and to scrape the layers and layers of make up off their faces and bodies.

I am here... somewhere under piles of paperwork and laundry. Thinking of clever things to write about cleverly. (No.. this is not one of them..)

xoxox

(untitled) exerpt 2

2008-03-30T09:19:00.002-05:00

"You are like an eagle in a cage. You love your life with us, but there is another life you yearn for as well."

"What do you think I would do?"

"I think you would be writing, living in the city, reading your poetry at coffee houses. You wouldn't necessarily be with any one person, but you would have torrid flings now and again."

I'm not sure how I felt about his revelation. I was shocked, because he acts indifferent most of the time. I was shocked because I didn't acknowledge this about myself, yet it is true. It is something of which I am aware, but never fully brought into focus because it is a difficult thing to face. Wanting another life, a parallel life would mean that I don't want the life I have, and I do.

I think I should have felt relief with his statement, but I didn't. I felt angry. I felt as if he had this truth about me all this time and didn't share it. I found comfort in thinking he was oblivious to something I barely gave a passing glance. I also felt exposed. I wasn't trying to hide anything necessarily, but I thought I was better at masking what was going on in my head. I'd like to think I was putting on a good show. I guess I wasn't.

Yes, an eagle in a cage is what I am, I thought. So what now?

Now what indeed.

(untitled) exerpt 1

2008-03-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

I am just beginning. My life that is. It is just starting. I have just figured out how to be me. Is this the by product of a middle aged crisis? Is there really such a thing as middle aged. I mean unless you know the day you are you going to die, how to do you determine what the midpoint of your life is? I am comfortable in my skin more days than not, I have confidence in what I do, occasional wisdom, and I am ready. To do what? Something. Something great, something not so great, who knows? And that was not a rhetorical question, I'm really asking, WHO KNOWS? Anyone out there have any clue? I need a clue. Do I just do what I'm doing? Work, raise kids, do laundry? I have been enjoying life more. The little things, the gatherings I used to so often avoid. I'm enjoying them, I think. Maybe I've just mastered the whole smile through it thing and I've learned to fool others so well, I'm fooling myself.

Where is it? The greatness? Where is it? I know it is somewhere around here. Somewhere I'm supposed to be. How do I get there? I mean, is the lesson at the end of this whole thing that the greatness is right here, right now, in front of my face. That the greatness is me or in the little things? There's no place like home Dorothy. I mean is that really it??? Some corn-ball conclusion embedded in every fairy tale a warning from those who seek greatness to those seeking? Oh, God, please don't tell me that this is true. I need to know that the sum total of what I am amounts more to being just me. But perhaps that is just greedy and unrealistic on my part. Who the hell am I? Why should greatness be mine? Why do I deserve such accolade? I'm just a worker bee like everyone else. Aren't' I? No. Because none of us are worker bees. We are all unique and amazing and have the greatness inches away from our grasp waiting to feel the pads of our fingers digging into it.

So what's taking so goddamn long?

In case you were wondering....

2008-03-22T10:45:00.001-05:00

Happy Easter!!

xoxo

happy st. patty's

2008-03-16T00:31:00.007-05:00

I get lost here, in this space.

I begin reading and writing and soon the walls fall away, sounds dissolve, and it is only me and this illuminated square. The screen pulls me into another world and I let it. It's my escape from who I am, and sometimes I find myself letting it consume me for days.

I've been trying to detox a bit, letting reality pull me where it may, and I find myself falling in love again with the world. I realized this Saturday night as I stood chest high amid Americana clad in clashing hues of green. Perhaps it was the rhythm of the drum, or whine of the bag pipe or the pride blaring across the young mens faces. I'm not sure. Something hit me, and i was glad to be there amongst it, and a little sorry I hadn't donned my own version of the kelly. Maybe next year.

sluts.

2008-03-13T16:47:00.001-05:00

I didn't recognize you!

2008-03-07T22:12:00.004-05:00

I get that a lot.

I am a forgettable person, apparently. I could sit next to you all basketball season and talk to you the whole time, and then when you see me at a school function you will look at me as if I have six heads when I say hello to you. You will try to smile and pretend to know me, but I know what you are thinking.. "Who the hell are you?" Then it will dawn on you, usually because you will see who my kids are or my husband who are much more memorable, and then you will rush up to me and say something like, "Oh my, did you change your hair color or something? I didn't recognize you! "

Um. No. I might have dyed my hair a shade darker, but I'm still me.

What's funny is that I have been the same forever. My hair is the same, my clothes are the same (pathetically so) and I have worn the same jewelry for years, earrings included (yea, I'm that lazy). So my only conclusion is that I am completely forgettable.

This is not something new, either. It has been happening to me my whole life. I even have a cousin who lives in town who walks right by me every time when I see him and I have to actually say, "hi.. it's me.. your cousin, Elle." Every. time.

When I was a teenager, I used to have a blond streak in my hair. It was my lame attempt at being punk. I wasn't fond of the streak, but it did serve a purpose, it made me memorable. I was known as the girl with the blond streak. I kept it for years for that reason.

Maybe I should bring back the blond streak...

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

2008-02-26T19:10:00.005-05:00

I don't get too involved in all the bullshit anymore.

I've learned to sit back a bit in my life and just watch the drama unfold before me. That doesn't mean that I don't get involved, I most certainly do. But I don't get mired in the muck. People can be so intense sometimes. Relax, folks, it's just life. Something I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs sometimes.

I wasn't always like this. I used to get way too caught up in all the crap that people threw about, and it most certainly took its toll on me emotionally and physically. I used to take everything so personally and right to the core of my being. Why? There was really no good reason. People create drama to alleviate their own distress. They want to share the lurve and pull you into their toxicity. Misery loves company, you know.

I jotted a quick email to a co worker today. "I never got the file." Within seconds, phones were ringing, memo's written, email sent, more phone calls. It wasn't a big deal, but these folks decided to take this small speck of dust and turn into a raging sand storm. High drama fueled by hidden agendas.

People are usually not really freaking out about what they are freaking out about. (Follow that?) When people want to solve a problem, they typically go about it in a calm, systematic way. If they are freaking out, you can be sure that there is something else driving their freak.

People who try to overwhelm you are usually overwhelmed. People who try to make you feel inadequate, feel inadequate themselves. If someone is trying to control you, it is their own life they are trying to control. See a pattern here? Remember this the next time you are lacing into someone. (Never let them see your freak!)

I used to work with this guy who helped put things into perspective. When things got really intense, he would announce, "It's all just a movie." Which was his twist on "all the world's a stage."

And it is.

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

so i ask you...

2008-02-24T22:14:00.002-05:00

Where is it??

I have been writing a little of this and a little of that. I know I haven't been the loyal blogger I used to be, I've been tripping on the dark side a bit. And I believe I needed to be. I'm on some pathway here. It's in here. *pounds on chest* The book, I mean. The book I've been writing my whole life, but am to afraid to commit to paper, or screen. I have a story to tell, I'm just not sure how to go about it.

I'm really asking those of you who have been loyal readers, because this would make perfect sense to them. If you are a new reader, you will think this the ranting of a crazy woman, and maybe I am.

So I ask you..... Where is it??

Philosophizing from the couch....

2008-02-22T13:20:00.007-05:00

Still have the flu. *cough, cough*

I'm always on the lookout for the latest diet.

I can't help it.

It's my obsession.

Recently I read Skinny Bitch. I thought it was about how to be a skinny bitch, but, basically the book is about why you should go vegan and it has a political agenda. It's not an easy read as it contains much graphic detail about what goes on in slaughter houses and how animals are horribly mistreated. The book does provide a lot of great information about nutrition, however.

The one thing I found interesting was about how our bodies respond to caffeine. Without going into the scientific reasons, which I cannot even recall at the moment, (and i just tried to google the information to give you some links and I couldn't find any, so you'll just have to trust me :))
the book says that caffeine upsets the PH balance in our bodies and makes us more acidic and our bodies respond to this by producing fat cells to protect our organs. The more acidic our internal environment the more fat cells our body will produce.

Wow...

I immediately thought about how this was so true in my life. How I responded to an "acidic" environment by protecting my "organs" with fat... and loads of it... I needed a cushion, a barrier, between myself and the acidic people in my life. I wasn't able to form an emotional one, so I compensated with a physical one.

It's that balance thing again. Funny how life always strives for that perfect balance. Even when things seem out of whack, they really aren't. The laws of physics won't allow such a thing.

The lesson here is to ask yourself "why." Why are you shoveling that food into you mouth? Why are you having that drink? Why are you smoking that cig? What balance are you trying to restore, and is there a healthier way for you to do so? I bet there is.

We are addicted to so many negative things, and we will remain addictive. It's the human condition. But I think its possible to replace those negative addictions with positive ones, it just takes some doing.

:)