(untitled) exerpt 2

"You are like an eagle in a cage. You love your life with us, but there is another life you yearn for as well."

"What do you think I would do?"

"I think you would be writing, living in the city, reading your poetry at coffee houses. You wouldn't necessarily be with any one person, but you would have torrid flings now and again."

I'm not sure how I felt about his revelation. I was shocked, because he acts indifferent most of the time. I was shocked because I didn't acknowledge this about myself, yet it is true. It is something of which I am aware, but never fully brought into focus because it is a difficult thing to face. Wanting another life, a parallel life would mean that I don't want the life I have, and I do.

I think I should have felt relief with his statement, but I didn't. I felt angry. I felt as if he had this truth about me all this time and didn't share it. I found comfort in thinking he was oblivious to something I barely gave a passing glance. I also felt exposed. I wasn't trying to hide anything necessarily, but I thought I was better at masking what was going on in my head. I'd like to think I was putting on a good show. I guess I wasn't.

Yes, an eagle in a cage is what I am, I thought. So what now?

Now what indeed.

(untitled) exerpt 1

I am just beginning. My life that is. It is just starting. I have just figured out how to be me. Is this the by product of a middle aged crisis? Is there really such a thing as middle aged. I mean unless you know the day you are you going to die, how to do you determine what the midpoint of your life is? I am comfortable in my skin more days than not, I have confidence in what I do, occasional wisdom, and I am ready. To do what? Something. Something great, something not so great, who knows? And that was not a rhetorical question, I'm really asking, WHO KNOWS? Anyone out there have any clue? I need a clue. Do I just do what I'm doing? Work, raise kids, do laundry? I have been enjoying life more. The little things, the gatherings I used to so often avoid. I'm enjoying them, I think. Maybe I've just mastered the whole smile through it thing and I've learned to fool others so well, I'm fooling myself.

Where is it? The greatness? Where is it? I know it is somewhere around here. Somewhere I'm supposed to be. How do I get there? I mean, is the lesson at the end of this whole thing that the greatness is right here, right now, in front of my face. That the greatness is me or in the little things? There's no place like home Dorothy. I mean is that really it??? Some corn-ball conclusion embedded in every fairy tale a warning from those who seek greatness to those seeking? Oh, God, please don't tell me that this is true. I need to know that the sum total of what I am amounts more to being just me. But perhaps that is just greedy and unrealistic on my part. Who the hell am I? Why should greatness be mine? Why do I deserve such accolade? I'm just a worker bee like everyone else. Aren't' I? No. Because none of us are worker bees. We are all unique and amazing and have the greatness inches away from our grasp waiting to feel the pads of our fingers digging into it.

So what's taking so goddamn long?

so i ask you...

Where is it??

I have been writing a little of this and a little of that. I know I haven't been the loyal blogger I used to be, I've been tripping on the dark side a bit. And I believe I needed to be. I'm on some pathway here. It's in here. *pounds on chest* The book, I mean. The book I've been writing my whole life, but am to afraid to commit to paper, or screen. I have a story to tell, I'm just not sure how to go about it.

I'm really asking those of you who have been loyal readers, because this would make perfect sense to them. If you are a new reader, you will think this the ranting of a crazy woman, and maybe I am.

So I ask you..... Where is it??