happy st. patty's

I get lost here, in this space.

I begin reading and writing and soon the walls fall away, sounds dissolve, and it is only me and this illuminated square. The screen pulls me into another world and I let it. It's my escape from who I am, and sometimes I find myself letting it consume me for days.

I've been trying to detox a bit, letting reality pull me where it may, and I find myself falling in love again with the world. I realized this Saturday night as I stood chest high amid Americana clad in clashing hues of green. Perhaps it was the rhythm of the drum, or whine of the bag pipe or the pride blaring across the young mens faces. I'm not sure. Something hit me, and i was glad to be there amongst it, and a little sorry I hadn't donned my own version of the kelly. Maybe next year.

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

I don't get too involved in all the bullshit anymore.

I've learned to sit back a bit in my life and just watch the drama unfold before me. That doesn't mean that I don't get involved, I most certainly do. But I don't get mired in the muck. People can be so intense sometimes. Relax, folks, it's just life. Something I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs sometimes.

I wasn't always like this. I used to get way too caught up in all the crap that people threw about, and it most certainly took its toll on me emotionally and physically. I used to take everything so personally and right to the core of my being. Why? There was really no good reason. People create drama to alleviate their own distress. They want to share the lurve and pull you into their toxicity. Misery loves company, you know.

I jotted a quick email to a co worker today. "I never got the file." Within seconds, phones were ringing, memo's written, email sent, more phone calls. It wasn't a big deal, but these folks decided to take this small speck of dust and turn into a raging sand storm. High drama fueled by hidden agendas.

People are usually not really freaking out about what they are freaking out about. (Follow that?) When people want to solve a problem, they typically go about it in a calm, systematic way. If they are freaking out, you can be sure that there is something else driving their freak.

People who try to overwhelm you are usually overwhelmed. People who try to make you feel inadequate, feel inadequate themselves. If someone is trying to control you, it is their own life they are trying to control. See a pattern here? Remember this the next time you are lacing into someone. (Never let them see your freak!)

I used to work with this guy who helped put things into perspective. When things got really intense, he would announce, "It's all just a movie." Which was his twist on "all the world's a stage."

And it is.

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

Philosophizing from the couch....

Still have the flu. *cough, cough*

I'm always on the lookout for the latest diet.

I can't help it.

It's my obsession.

Recently I read Skinny Bitch. I thought it was about how to be a skinny bitch, but, basically the book is about why you should go vegan and it has a political agenda. It's not an easy read as it contains much graphic detail about what goes on in slaughter houses and how animals are horribly mistreated. The book does provide a lot of great information about nutrition, however.

The one thing I found interesting was about how our bodies respond to caffeine. Without going into the scientific reasons, which I cannot even recall at the moment, (and i just tried to google the information to give you some links and I couldn't find any, so you'll just have to trust me :))
the book says that caffeine upsets the PH balance in our bodies and makes us more acidic and our bodies respond to this by producing fat cells to protect our organs. The more acidic our internal environment the more fat cells our body will produce.

Wow...

I immediately thought about how this was so true in my life. How I responded to an "acidic" environment by protecting my "organs" with fat... and loads of it... I needed a cushion, a barrier, between myself and the acidic people in my life. I wasn't able to form an emotional one, so I compensated with a physical one.

It's that balance thing again. Funny how life always strives for that perfect balance. Even when things seem out of whack, they really aren't. The laws of physics won't allow such a thing.

The lesson here is to ask yourself "why." Why are you shoveling that food into you mouth? Why are you having that drink? Why are you smoking that cig? What balance are you trying to restore, and is there a healthier way for you to do so? I bet there is.

We are addicted to so many negative things, and we will remain addictive. It's the human condition. But I think its possible to replace those negative addictions with positive ones, it just takes some doing.

:)

faded feathers

I had been there a few times already this morning, a result of trying to make sure I drink the water my body "requires", but when I entered the bathroom this time, it was a completely different place altogether.

She was standing at the counter with her over-flowing cosmetic bags placed here and there like paints being readied for the pallet hoping to finally make the artist's canvas. I saw the eager green and blue eye shadow among the countless tubes of lipstick and other things. I was overwhelmed by the vast amount of cosmetics she was considering and thought of my own small bag hidden in my purse. The perfume baked into the powders to add a layer or two of glamor was as heavy as the patina she had already applied.

"Hi.. You're Carmen, aren't you?"

I knew her instantly. This was not a new scene to me, but an ancient one that I would have never thought of again had I not entered into it unsuspectedly. She furrowed her brow, taking a quick inventory of faces she knew to determine where I fit in. I couldn't bear to watch the struggle.

"I used to work here, about 12 years ago."

I was ashamed of myself for announcing the number of years I had been gone like some badge of how long I'd been away from that hellhole, knowing she had spent those 12 years right here in the bathroom doing exactly what she was doing right then.

"Oh.. Yes, I remember you! Did you lose weight or something? Are you married? Do you have children? How many?"

I was a little shocked that these questions came so readily and in a row, but I answered them graciously.

We continued to exchange pleasantries, bridging the gap between us with the names from the past and present that we had in common, and I mentioned my father. He was more of a fixture in that place than I was and I knew she knew of him.

"I'm so sorry he died. He was gorgeous, like a movie star. I wondered why I haven't seen him around. Does he have any brothers? Are they married?"

Another round of quirky questions, which I kindly answered... yes, he had brothers and yes they are married.

"Oh."

She said with a shrug and went back to her mirror to apply her face.

Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair

Happy New Year!!!

Well...it is here.. 2008! And what does that mean? Good thing to contemplate on the first day of the new year I think.

I do make resolutions, and I'm proud to say that I usually stick to them. Of course they are the same ones you usually make, about diet and exercise, saving money, lessening stress.... but not this year.

I am going to think of things differently. I'm not going to think in terms of personal habits, but in terms of personal accomplishments.

Now.. what do I want to accomplish?

hmmmm... I'll get back to you..


art

Are we there yet? 2008?

What will you promise this time?

lose weight? save money? find love? make amends?

Are you getting nostalgic? Thirsty for champagne?

The dawning of the new year is upon us...

What do you hope this new year will bring?

Tis the Season...

There is so much pressure during the holiday season. It's hard not to buckle under the hype..

The frenzy has begun!

Will I find the perfect gift for him? or her? will they like their gifts? Long lines, packed malls, overextended credit cards.

Why is it so important that we encapsulate all we feel for someone and present this to them as a present? What are we hoping for? And isn't this what is all about? Hope? Hope for another year with the ones we love. Hope for Peace, for love, for life. Hope that in this year to come we will recognize another part of our dreams.

So why all the hype?

I guess the difference between hype and hope is the why...

You need a helmet...

If you are to sit with me in my backyard... You need a helmet.

Why??

Because the acorns are falling like meteors. It's Fall after all. I should know, I was just on the deck and had to come in as they was a gust of wind followed by a barrage of those suckers.

I have a house full at the moment.We are the Kool Aid house, where all the kids convene. I'm glad about that, I truly am. I want the kids to always come over and hang at our house, so I could keep my eye on them. Not that they can't do anything right under my nose. It happens. I know. I did it. My kids are young yet, but you never know when IT happens.

Recently I had a call from a friend. Her middle school aged kid was drinking. He was hiding vodka in his water bottle. She and her husband are savvy people and she was beside herself wondering how the heck this could have happened without her knowledge.

It just does.

I remember being astounded with how much my children change while I'd be staring at them. It goes too damn fast. So I understand how she could have missed this.

We tend to miss a lot where kids are concerned. We just do, and there is little we can do about it. You can be staring at them and they morph.

It's like my backyard. You can be sitting there staring at the trees and WHAMO an acorn comes down right on your head

Life. You need a helmet.

the good things...

picking apples with the children

spending the day with our family

seeing a great play with my husband

eating brownies on the deck

Tomorrow is his birthday.... he would have been 62....

Today is not okay...

and so it goes.

Where R U ?

I have a stack of journals I have kept through the years right in front of me, the oldest diary is from when I was in 6th grade. I wasn’t consistent in keeping them, and there are many years when I didn’t keep a diary at all. Some of my diaries are in pieces, like the one I shredded when my mother confronted me with its contents (grr). But I have a fair amount. Now it seems this blog is my journal, like it is for so many of us. In fact, it’s the ultimate journal because it’s private and it actually answers you!

My favorite entries in my adult journals are the ones I entitle Where Are You? In these entries, I describe exactly what I am seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting, and doing. It’s amazing how when I read the passages later, I am able to get right back into that moment. That’s the point. Feeling the moment you are in, really feeling it. Usually, I’m the person that is thinking about the future. What needs to be done next, and then after that, and that. (I could be annoying, trust me!) My husband always thinks in the past. "We shoulda...coulda... woulda.... didn’t...." It’s so hard to live in the present. If you think about it, it’s like driving a car. You have to know somewhat where you are going, pay attention to what you are doing, and make sure nothing is coming up from behind. If you are too worried about the directions, you are sure to miss the turn. If you are only focused on what is directly in front, you won’t be able to navigate the detour. If you are only looking in the rearview, you won’t see that which you will inevitably smash into.

For this moment, right now, take the time and think about where you are. What are you feeling, doing, seeing, smelling, thinking? I'd love to know.

Talent

Ahh, the new season of American Idol has begun. I love it! I can’t help it. It’s my guilty pleasure. I watch every episode, root for my favorite pop-star-wannabe, and well, um, I, um even call in and vote-repeatedly. Okay, I admitted it!!! I really don’t watch anything else on television. Well, that’s not entirely true. I also love Survivor and The Apprentice. But that’s it! None of the other wacky knock-offs shows that fill the airwaves. Except The Swan. So, American Idol, Survivor, The Apprentice, and The Swan, and oh, America’s Next Top Model. I can’t help it! As much as I try to fight this ridiculous turn television has taken, I have succumbed to the stupidity. I just want to see who will win!!! I love to watch all the personalities develop and morph as the season progresses. It’s the ultimate people watching. How can I turn away? I can’t stand those bachelor/bachelorette shows, although I did watch the first Joe Millionaire, but that was it. Oh, and My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé. THAT was hysterical. I am amazed at the lengths people will go to for money. I can’t stand sitcoms since Seinfeld went off the air, I mean, why bother? If I am actually going to spend time watching something, I want to be entertained, and I hate to admit it, but I find these shows quite entertaining. But that’s not what I wanted to write about today.

I wanted to address the issue of talent. What is talent?? Who decides? I mean those poor kids on American Idol really believed they had talent. If determination, and denial were the aspects judged as talented, well then I can see how they were so convinced. It's great entertainment. Who doesn’t like to see someone who thinks they are fabulous make a complete fool of themself? The "laugh and point" is basic fundamental humor, along with fart jokes and prat falling. Some of the kids were devastated when they were told they didn’t have enough talent to make it in the music biz. I mean, couldn’t they hear themselves? Did they really think that they could make a career out of singing? I guess so.

Then I remembered a situation I had with a coworker. We worked in a mental health facility together. She was fresh out of college, and I was a senior staff member. She was an okay counselor, and willing to learn, but she struggled with the job. I encouraged her to go back to school, but she felt that she had spent enough time in school, and wanted to make a difference in the world. I worked closely with her, and realized that she probably wouldn’t go too far in the field, as her skills were too limited, but she was determined. I liked her, she was very nice, and we would go out after work occasionally for a beer. One night, we were at a bar, and a song came on that she liked. She started to sing. She was AMAZING!! I was shocked! "You can really sing!!" I said to her. "You are as good if not better that Whitney Houston!! You should be singing for a living. You are so talented!!!" And that’s no lie! She was amazing. Instead of saying thanks, or finding my comments flattering, she became indignant. She was very insulted, "What are you trying to say?? I am not a good Counselor!!"

So I don’t get it. We could have enormous talent, but no heart to follow it. Or we could have a passion so intense we are blinded by the fact that we don’t have the skills to succeed. If you happen to have a passion for what you have a talent for, well then you are lucky.

My talent? Well my first choice would be Rock Star, my second, writing. Truth is, I am pretty decent at my job when I have one, but at times I lack passion. My biggest fear is not to have any talent at all.

What's yours?